A reflection of my own life

I’m about to be 18 years old, yet my life is still a cold place.

My life is an Arctic wasteland, where the winds howl harshly and visitors hardly stay. Those who come either die or thrive, but the latter rarely happens.

Over the course of the last 10 years, my life has started to frozen. The effects of the blue pill started to slowly, but surely, succumb to the overbearing taste of reality, with my own dreams fighting the onset, with futile efforts.

Occasionally, a shining beacon of light travels into the abyss of darkness that is now the nerve centre of my life. It gives me a sense of revitalising hope, that maybe one day I could revert back to the old happy me.

But, the light that enter the sinking abyss, will cease to exist as the coldness was too harsh for it warmth, and its carcass joins the rest of those who have hope to change me, but sadly, failed.

I was able to enjoy the warmth of the light on my face in years, but yet I had taken it for granted. I told myself that the light at the end of tunnel had arrived and that abyss was now lighted and littered with bits of joy.

But, I prematurely ended the biggest warmth that happily graced my life for 1 1/2 years with my very own frozen heart and my very own hands.

As I approach my 18th birthday, my life is warming up. My crew had entered my life and hated me for who I was, but yet they stayed on and is thriving. I have learnt to take care of the people who have taken care of me.

Yet, the nerve centre that controls my dreams and thoughts are still frozen. It’s still stuck in the ice age of isolation and dominated by my cold hearted personality that always seems to be in the defence when I try to make new contact with new people and new hope.

Sometimes, I find the loneliness in this cold and harsh wasteland comforting. Being alone means I have lesser people to disappoint, to upset, to offend. Lesser hearts to break, lesser expectations to fail.

I can never seem to be popular, but it seems that my psychological ecosystem can’t take the load and responsibilities of being popular. I can try to be, but that’s pretentious and it will always backfire on me.

At the end of the day, I get up every morning and tell myself that each day will get better, that the harsh wastelands of my life will one day be thriving, constructed by my favourite memories and cemented by friends who have found the nice side of me.

But till then, when people ask me “Have you have no heart?!”

I will still stare them in the eye and say:
“I used to, but now it’s gone”

December

Ah.

December is already here. The year seems to pass so fast.

The first two weeks of December is so packed with so much stuff. I have an exam, Outward Bound camp and filming, all within the second week of December. Plus I’m releasing my mixtape on 28th December, so look out for it!

Oh, by the way, I started a Dayre account (dayre.me/nfshp65 ) and as such, I will be blogging there more often now. Do follow me! (dayre.me/nfshp65 )

I have to write a year in review soon. I must say, December was a year of fiascos. My life changed for both the worst and better, which is kinda better than the monotonic 2013 of popping Ritalin, camping at starbucks and studying till the cow came home.

The first half was so full of shit, considering my break up, my failed self reform and the “new change” in FMS that I desired went down the opposite route, also the lost of many good and close friends.

But, thank god for the second half, where I discovered NPDJ, revived my DJing and Music Production hobbies, met great new people (even got some of the close ones back!), entered Youth Corp Singapore and found some true friends who would back me up in FMS.

“As I look back on my life, I realize that everytime I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better”

That quote couldn’t have summed it up better.

New mashups and edits will soon be coming to my mixtape! In the mean time, you can find me on Dayre ( dayre.me/nfshp65 )

Will write soon 😀

Week in review – PLTC / Prom / School

Oh dear, it seems that I have forgotten to update this blog for one whole week.

I apologise, but I do have a valid reason for it.

I was extremely busy this week due to both prom hosting and PLTC (Patrol Leader Training Camp) plus a combination of an overwhelming workload from school.

So let’s start the week in review from the top.

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I went to host the prom for east spring secondary school, which is my old school.

Got to admit it, it was my very first time hosting such a ‘casual’ and ‘fun’ event considering all the events that I have emceed for before are very serious.

I did screwed up the first part, but under the guidance of both Donovan (you save the thing dude) and the DJ (Thanks Malcolm!), we managed to pull off the event!

Photo on 20-11-14 at 11.05 pm

I honestly am starting to love hosting such events, and I hope that I can do more in the future, which will help shape my portfolio and allow me to enjoy my hobby.

I hope you guys enjoyed the event, and I’m sorry for the cold start we had.

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Immediately after the prom, was EAPLTC2014 (East Area Patrol Leader Training Camp 2014)

Me and Shaun checked in on the Friday night after a long creepy bus ride into the depths of the Choa Chu Kang forest

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There were literally no one except for the two of us when we alighted at the bus stop, except for a stray dog.

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Of course, the camp chief was very kind enough to come out and fetch us in, because walking one kilometer in pure darkness of the Choa Chu Kang Wilderness is extremely dangerous. Considering that there were no lights at all, the feel was like in those movies, where the character is driving through an extremely dark area with the car’s high beams turned on, either because he was going for a drug deal or to save a kidnapped loved one. In this case, it was for us to help facilitate the camp .

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[Photo was bad because the road is bumpy and shaun doesn’t know how to take proper movement shots]

The good news was, we were sleeping in bunks, very very veryyyyyy comfortable bunks. It had extremely comfortable beds, despite it being ridden by lizard poo and bedbugs. They even provided blankets and pillows!!! This is really something unheard of in a camp.

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So, while the staff had a debrief, me and Vera started our sentry duty, or at least I did when Vera decided to sleep on the job. For some reason, the management decided to cut short our sentry duty time from 4am to 2:50+am.

So I managed to sleep earlier, although it was later than anyone else.

DAY2: Shaun decided it was okay to wake me up earlier than the time I was supposed to be awake, but it was okay, since I didn’t feel tired at all (for some strange reason).

But since, there was nothing to do between the time of then and flag break, I decided to do some music production, since I brought my Macbook Pro.

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[Cause I’m so step]

Afterwards, we had to go and conduct a inspection which was enriching, considering the amount of things we had to go through. [I would upload a photo, but I think its confidential?]

So, after the inspection, there was nothing much to do, since I had no patrol allocated to me and the games would only start in the afternoon. So, going back to the bunk to do some work looked like the most feasible thing to do.

So, I decided to work on a [CONFIDENTIAL REPORT] till the people either called me for help or until the games started.

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Apparently, the games were very fun to play with, as everyone seem to be happy.

I was in charge of the jerry can surprise, which ironically had no jerry can or surprises.

The time went by very fast and again, I had nothing to do. So, I decided to head back to the bunk to catch some sleep.

Fast forward a few hours and the camp was pretty much over. I probably won’t bother writing about it since it has no activity that is interesting apart from me editing the video.

Oh, did I mention the food was good?

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Looks like that’s it for this week. See you soon and I apologies for the late post!

Week In Review – Life / Loc Prod / Music Production

What a great week to start with.

Life, so far has been good, at least for this week.

It has been on schedule, with the usual mocking, roasting and self derogatory behaviour that I usually exhibit when alone. Apart from a few depressing hours, my life this week is enjoyable.

I honestly find that the greatest burn is always to burn yourself, that’s why I live up to people’s insult, cause its funny and fun.

OK, I’m not in the sanest of my mind right now. Pretty much due to exhausting study 2 days ago, which made realise that my body cannot withstand even the most basic of such torturous behaviour that I underwent during my ‘O’ levels.

Had the greatest sleep on Wednesday night, I got completely knocked out right after Dinner. and woke up at exactly 6am the next morning.

That’s a sleep time of about 11 hours, something literally unheard of in my life.

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Today (Thursday), we had location filmmaking, and it was great, considering the amount of things we learnt.

Loc prod today was good, had a wonderful session with my class, and we got our groups! Looking forward to being a great burden to my group and their marks.

Being the burden that I am usually, I had forgotten to export and save the movies from the thing itself.

Thank god for Alysia, our wonderful camerawoman, which help us resolve the issue.

Also, the footage that we got is A-Grade. So now that I know my editing well enough, I should be able to add some magic into it.

Hopefully, my skills will be skilled enough for me to not be burden to my final project group.

I kid, but yea, I will try not to ruin everything.

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Managed to produce a new melody with a bassline.

The melody finally allowed the synthesiser which I have never used in any production before shine out, giving it a certain depth of warm, allowing the song to sound uplifting.

The synth has much more warmth than my life, so that should allow you to gauge how nice the song is.

I released a Beta song recently, you can check it out, its about 50% done.

Link: https://soundcloud.com/timo-ledj/beat-test#t=0:30 (note: it starts at 30 second, because the front part is shit)

Leave a comment there if you have any feedback.

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Yeap, and that was my week in review! I promise more ‘professional’ posts in the future, but I will probably write a “week in review” (unless I’m dead (both literally and – tired)

See you soon guys!

P.S Thanks to those who read this blog of mine, I really appreciate the views! 😀

 

The War In My Mind

The war in my mind started 3 years ago.

How did it started? I also wondered. But I reckon it has something to do with Ritalin. Apparently I have became a much more subtle person in comparison to my former self.

The only post on Facebook (where I post all of my miseries and depressed posts) I could find that is related to the civil war in my head is this:

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Oh yeah, pardon the sh*t writing skills right there.

The last part? I’m still considering whether is it worth the risk to lose those fingers, probably because I don’t even know whether I am currently at the foot of the right mountain.

Let’s try to retrace the damage to see what happen.

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2013 was the year of my O’s.

It seems in that very year, I had fallen down into a never ending chain of depression and drugs, followed by more self-abusive thoughts and a cycle of stress which never seemed to stop till early November.

That year, I complained about elitism. I complained about my life. I complained about how Singapore’s education system is ruining everyone’s dreams and aspirations. It seemed that the only time I had proper writing skills is when the post was about something sad.

It was that year that my mind split into two factions.

 

One side was my heart.

It was where my dreams and aspirations basked in the freedom of my imagination. It unleashed itself during my rides on the bus and MRTs, where I will escape into a journey of warmth and happiness, while bypassing the academical sadists and Ritalin poppers in the other fraction.

It told me, that your dreams and aspirations are something feasible in reality, and that I should chase it.

Rancho: Make your passion your profession

The other side was my mind. It never had any imagination and always focused on reality. It is the side that you would take to a war. It never loved risk and always wanted to have a clear shot to victory. It told me, that Singapore only gave a damn about the people who had the most illustrious portfolio and results. It also controlled my body, allowing it to run like clockwork.

It told me, that dreams and aspirations are for losers, and that the world only care about degrees. It told me that success is done by working hard and making sure that no one gets to the top before you. Because there is only one spot at the top.

Viru Sahastrabudhhe: “Who was the first man on the moon?”

Crowd: “Neil Armstrong, sir.”

Viru Sahastrabudhhe: “Obviously, it was Neil Armstrong. We all know it. Who was the second? Don’t waste your time, it’s not important”

 

Oh yeah, those two quotes from “3 idiots” perfectly described each of the factions’ agenda.

In 2013, it was the year of my mind. My parents were pushing extremely hard and so were the teachers. The only time that I had to dream started depleting, until it ran out. My trips on the buses were no longer occupied by my imagination taking me to the TomorrowLand MainStage or to a place where I could be happy. The facade that I once desired had faded into nothingness.

That’s when I became a zombie. Eat Sleep Study Repeat. I had no creativity freedom, I had no aspirations except to be the very best, and to beat that little ‘elitist’ ass in my class.

That’s when my mind started introducing hate into my life.

My mind realised that hate was the catalyst for my  “The accolades only goes to the first” mindset, which helped to motivate me to ace the ‘O’ levels.

But hell, like war, it came with a unplayable cost.

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The consequences was that It gave me nothing to lose.

With my imagination killed, I had nothing to desire, nothing to fear, nothing to care about. I was in the shoes of reality, and boy oh boy, it was comfortable walking through the flames of hell.

Then, I took off the shoes after my ‘O’ levels and touch the cold bare ground.

I walked straight into the wastelands of what used to be my imaginations. I had no ideas, aspirations or desires. I couldn’t set a direction of where my life will go next.

My world came crashing down to reveal the wastelands of what used to be my imagination, so did my self esteem and hope.

Without any EQ left, I had offended so many people at the start of 2014. Some of my closest friends  have left me (some came back, thank you for not leaving me).

Today, the consequences still echoes in my mind. I start to think about it, and I have more time to reflect due to my longer trips back home from school.

And the mind tells me the same thing every time:

“Please stop the war”

Midweek Update – UBER , Music , DJing

It’s a Tuesday night / Wednesday morning that I’m writing this.

It seems surprising that even after three weeks, my body clocks still decides to only shut down at 1am.

Do you ever have those moments where you always wake up at the same moment everyday? It’s happening to me. Strange thing is, I wake up like a powerful man at that specific time, but if I sleep for 5 more minutes, it decides to make me sluggish as hell.

Happened to me today. I initially woke up (without alarm) at 6:15am, feeling like the most refreshed man in the world. Deciding that it was still early, I (regrettably) decided to hit the sack for another 15 minutes.

Guess what? I woke up feeling like I have not been sleeping for the past few days.

Damn, body, you’re weird.

I also decided to take Uber today. As I thought the highway was the usual “crawl for just 5 minutes” jam, I decided paying $17 for a cab ride home would be good.

Things turned out differently, both to me and my wallet’s horror.

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A supposedly 30 minutes trip (even with traffic!) turned out to be an hour’s journey. that also cost twice the price too.

Reason being some jackass driver decided to be reckless and spilled SOIL on the damn highway, resulting in a massive ass jam from Lornie Road to Kallang.

On the bright side, I managed to get a few more songs to add to my collection of DJing material, including a ton of mashups from Visionaire.

The sad thing about it is, all the new songs (all 156 of them) are absolutely fantastic, and I dare say that the commercial crowd has probably not heard most of them before.

That means if I were to drop those songs at a ‘rave party’ for them, they would probably go “What is that trash?!!!”

I think these days, people would request the DJ to loop “Summer” 50 times and then take a selfie with the DJ with the tagline – “BEST DJ EVER!!!!!!!!”

There are good DJs as much as there as bad ones (*cough* Paris Hilton *cough*) , but there is also a bad crowd.

Hopefully, its not too much for them to appreciate the music and energy rather than instagramming themselves. (That’s just my 2 cents worth)

Oh well, it’s 12am.

Time to hit the sack I guess.

Se you guys soon! 😀

Refreshed – Week In review.

Ahhhhhhh. It seems that I have changed my blog’s background again.

I chose a new theme, and maybe after Web Graphics, I would actually be bothered to completely redesign the whole damn thing.

Let’s start with this week in review.

T104 has been very awesome so far. Love them loads.

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CDJs and DJM has been fixed!!!!

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(Look how one fader (deck 1) is missing)

I literally fanboy-ed when i saw the new faders and THEY FEEL SO GOOD. THAT SMOOTHNESS OF THE FADERS.

The cue button now works (ermahgawd like finally?) and of course, the CDJs work perfectly. Had wonderful rave parties in between breaks lately. (I’m going deaf)

On the topic of DJing, Traktor haven’t been so nice to me ever since I have updated to OS X Yosemite.

Not only that, it seems that my computer volume system has also stopped working properly.

Spent about 3 hours on technical support just to fix those problems, and also, restoring my iTunes library which I have (stupidly) deleted by accident.

However, my week has been good so far, and hopefully it stays that way.

Also, the news about me getting accepted in Youth Corp Singapore was a great news, considering that I am the second batch to enter the program.


To be honest, 2014 have been a very rough year. I thought FMS would be a fresh start, but it seems that I have treaded on the wrong path and things didn’t go as planned.

However, it is starting to look up (thanks to the new class and NPDJ), and I really hope to start afresh with T104.

I will honestly try to update this blog more often (and also: tagging (didn’t do it because I’m lazy LOLWUT)

Alright time to go. So see ya.