It’s a cool and rainy Wednesday afternoon. It’s cold, but the glass of whisky keeps me warm and sane at the same time.
I enjoy these kinds of situations – sitting in a dark room with my table light on, a glass of whisky and allowing my thoughts to run free and wild.
Currently, my thoughts are pouring in as fast as the rain outside my window is pounding onto the concrete ground and I can’t process it fast enough.
There’s nothing left of me.
I feel as if I have been stripped of everything I ever had and left alone in a cave to fend for myself. Ironically, the cave is not exactly somewhere new to me, rather it is the cave that I should have left long ago.
Being in a void and the abyss of darkness for this long have made me submit myself wholeheartedly to my own insecurities, which allowed them to start the complete destruction of my entire existence.
Now, I’m standing in front of a mirror and staring at myself.
I look deep into my own eyes and try to explore what lays deep within me, but yet I can’t seem to find nor understand anything about me that is worth any value whatsoever.
As I continue to stare deep into my own existence, my mind flashes back to 2013.
2013 – The year of which I was an innocent and young secondary 4 student who would bring his blue sling bag and huge transparent folder with a missing green locker cap everywhere he went.
That was the year where I was so full of hatred, body full of drugs and mind full of toxins. I made a conscious decision to grant full control of my entire existence to drugs and insecurities, just for the sole purpose of charging myself forward to achieving my dream – A place in Ngee Ann’s Mass Communication.
I did it by balancing my time (with the power of my Swatch) and creating strawmen that did not exist at all and used them as my carrots on the premise of “Get in at any costs”
Sometimes we say “I will do it at any cost” and we go ahead with that. But is it worth the “any cost” part, especially when it involves killing yourself on the inside.
I have achieved my goals and have gotten to where I wanted to be, but I have lost myself in the process.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
When I’m asked the question “who are you and describe yourself”, my mind just turns blank.
Nothing comes out of my mouth and I just sit there like a huge fool.
Close friends and friends alike have told me “Timo, you need to love yourself before you can move on”.
I ignored them.
I thought I could be a hero and move on with my life as if nothing happened. I ignored the biggest flaw of my own life, letting it developed while using other flaws as a scapegoat.
It’s been 4 years and I am still stuck here. Until I met her.
To me, she is the perfect girl.
A girl beyond my wildest dream. She gave me an opportunity that no one else ever did and offered me loads of happiness. She meant so much to me that even in the rejection phase of the relationship, I was able to feel inspired and alive.
Usually, it takes a few hours or a few days for me to get over rejection. I just suck it up, maybe complain about it for a few days and then just move it and maybe joke about it casually in the future.
But this is different. This is a feeling that I have never felt before. She was able to use something that I have grown accustomed to and revived me emotionally.
I can now feel things. I tasted happiness for the first time in years.
I believe fully that the only reason why I’m here today is because of God. That’s probably the only reason why I am able to do so many things that I love.
If I were to assign everything a deeper meaning, everything makes a lot of sense. I have gotten rejected from so many things only to discover something better in the end. After all, I come from a Christian family, and I do have Christian values deeply embedded in my roots.
If I were to follow the same belief that I have held for years, then I think she was not here to make me feel happy and complete, but rather to drive and solidify a message that people have been trying to send me – “Learn to love yourself and find self-completion”
But this is not a post about religion, this is a post about finding out who I really am.
And it’s about time I start.