Finding my way back

Sometimes in life, you slowly wander through the way of life with nothing in mind, not because you’re bored or anything, but rather because you are lost.

Many of us know what we want to be. We take those desires and turn them into goals, and then figure out the way to get there. If you fail, just try a different way or try it again until you reach there.

But life isn’t that simple.

The truth of the matter is, we know certain people well. We know how they like their coffee, how they react in a specific situation, and how to tell whether they are lying or not. Yet, we are unable to be certain of their deeper innings. Some things haunt us, but yet we refuse to address them.

When we talk to people and ask “What’s wrong”, they offer a point of view. This is what is happening to me now. Something is bugging me, but yet I am unable to put my finger on it.

Maybe I have created a strawman so strong that I have come to an undisputed conclusion that it is real.

Till this day, I have yet to understand myself fully, and whatever that has decided to anchor itself in me has started to cause problems in the way I react to people, situations, and things.

Nowadays, I am an angry man with no control, a rage beyond the measure of anything. I’m not angry with the world, I’m just angry with myself, but I need a way to let it go, and sadly, that exit is through my interactions. I do apologise if I have offended anyone with my rage.

To me, hope is something rare to come by, and even if one piece came by, I will always lose it.

The irony is when one spends too much time worrying about losing something, he will lose it eventually, but yet when one does not care as much, the chances to lose whatever he so cherish is significantly lower.

Of course, one must draw the line between being insecure and being an ignorant asshole as the latter is the one that will eventually cause the item to be lost. (One example will be my previous relationship).

Talking about my previous relationship, I do believe my ex is 100% over it, but yet the repercussions of my own actions still resonates strongly within myself today. I am unable to go back to who I was three to four years ago.

Today, I am a man who has fulfilled most of my dreams and goals that I have set out to. I have DJed for FMS Hop Night, be a Radio DJ for Radio Heatwave and now I’m interning and doing something I like. One may wonder then why do I always complain that life is bad.

The answer is very simple – Like how a rich man can feel unhappy while a poor man can feel happy, it is not the material things that give us happiness, but rather the feelings and interactions that money nor any other material can buy. I will honestly give up everything I have now to find that one person who could finally understand me, but yet till this day, no one is a suitable candidate.

In recent time, I may have found a person so similar that she might just be the one, yet I am making the same mistake as I did the past few times. I am strangling that small bit of hope with my strong grip due to the fear that it might be lost that eventually the person that killed it will be me. I have learnt how to back off and letting it develop on its own. It might be because of my own fear of losing, the sense that something so fragile can be lost so easily scares me so much.

But until then, I shall do everything in my power to keep that hope alive, because it’s the only thing helping me get back on track.


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