I wonder, what is my motivation in my life.
Recently, my father told me that I need to find a driving force in my life.
But, is it strange that I’m driven by vengeance, by the fact that people look down on me? Is it the norm that people are motivated by hate, that they do things only be because they want to make a point?
I have many doubters, who doubted me. Who told me I will be a loser, and will never amount to anything.
Damn right they were.Until I created a strawman , of which I labelled her as an elitist. The hate I had for her saw me putting in efforts which I never once undertook to achieve the results which I never have gotten.
Until I created a strawman , of which I labelled her as an elitist. The hate I had for her saw me putting in efforts which I never once undertook to achieve the results which I never have gotten.
But, it came at a cost. I was reliant on a drug. I was reliant on Ritalin like how a weak athlete was reliant on steroids. I could not do anything without that white pill.
Recently, I was at child guidance clinic renewing my prescription for my medicine. I asked the doctor was there anything more powerful than Ritalin.
I even requested for a nerve stimulation drug, but she said no.
Because I ran out of motivation.
I used to be very afraid of death. I used to sit up in my bed and was scared that I would die in my sleep. I told myself I had so much to live for and that I’m not ready to move on. Yet, today, I find myself in a position that I have nothing left to lose, and that if the devil came to claim my soul, I would be more than willing to leave with him.
Over the years, I garnered many haters. My first two years in secondary school were my craziest. I did things that offended people in the masses, and I had no chance to make things right. I find myself stuck in situations where I genuinely felt I had nothing to lose.
Sometimes I wake up and think that maybe if I was a cool kid, maybe people will like me. That’s why I’m so critical to what people think of me. I shape myself according to them. I put them before myself.
Growing up with ADHD was tough, I had no filter, no control; hell, I was a psychopathically insane delusional man who offended the world just by being Timo.
I find myself having to conformed to what the environment wanted me to be. I could never be myself because if I did, I wouldn’t have any friends and will be heading the down the dark path of loneliness.
So, the question remains, what is my motivation?
That is a question I have yet to answer.