Loving yourself is selfish (or at least to me)

Some people have always told me that I am a guy who always gives up easily.

I second that remark.

Till this very day, I start to think why do I do so. The very fact stands that I could have done so much more in my life if I had pushed forth as hard as I could. But yet, I let such opportunities slip through my fingers like how the sand flows through your hands when you open it.

Looking back, I realized that from young, I have been drilled to be the very best. Ironically, it was not the very best I could be, but rather to be the very best as how the eyes of the world perceived that term. I was trained to fulfill the benchmarks of every aspect of my life, for I knew that was a reward for achieving such a daunting task.

But I never made it.

I look around me and I see my friends, all A students, achieving high GPAs, receiving countless scholarships and praises from friends, teachers and family alike. I aspired to be like them, and I got third place. The spoils were not good.

I took another look at my friends who did not excel in academics, but did excel in other forms. Talented friends who could sing, dance, produce, speak, emcee and other forms of desirable skills were plentiful. Sadly, I had not made any progress there either.

Someone once told me, that I should love myself before I can love others.

I knew it was utter bullshit to put yourself before others.

How could I love a hallowed, shallow minded man? Why should I invest resources into a man incapable of being the best? Why should I love a man who is insane, delusional, destructive and extremely insecure?

I aspire to help people because they have more worth than myself. I believe that they are of more value to society than I ever was. I knew that given the right push and support, they could be whatever they so desire.

I feel happy when I see them smile. When they walk on stage and receive the scholarship they have been eyeing for a long time or when they walk on to the podium and take that trophy.

Their joy tells me I did something worthy in my life, and that it was more valuable to burn money and dump into the drain than to invest in myself.

People remind me that I have value. That I’m worth it.

Of course I have value, because when everyone around you spits in your face and leaves you to die in the ashes of failure and harsh reality, I will be the guy who will pick you up, fix you and prepare for your comeback.

When you’re done going to the top, you can abandon me and go back to your hi-bye friends and I will rot back into the dark abyss of obscurity until the day of fall, where I will pick you up again.

As such, till this very day, at this very moment, I don’t know what I live for. I don’t know what skills I have. Hell, I don’t even know who I really am.

So maybe that’s why I give up easily.

Because, I have nothing to lose except my very own life and other people’s happiness.


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