Personal Reflection About Myself and recent events

Read this and think carefully. Hopefully you learn something.

I work in a very strange way.

People work by motivation, I work by greed.

People set goals for themselves, I set myself an enemy to prove wrong.

People feel happy by their success, but to me, its never enough.

My ‘O’ levels wouldn’t be this good if it wash’t for my hatred and the ever burning desire to prove myself academically to her. I gave her the elitist treatment, viewing her as a snob, waiting for me to prove her wrong.

Greed paved the way, and so did hatred. My guiding light was the victory of me doing better than her. Ritalin was my sidekick.

I did mathematics with a thought in mind. Every time , I wanted to give up, I thought to myself, “You want to let this little bitch win you?” , and then I will continue doing it.

I hated Social Studies, but I made huge effort because I knew that the only Achilles heel in my plan to attack her was that. I started doing everything I could. Consultation, the essays, the SBQs in that little booklet.

I did what I had to do, and I got what I deserve, but was I happy?

I got 10 points and many people would take my place, but was I satisfied?

I finished my objective of winning her, but was my hatred quelled?

The answer is : No.

I wanted more.

I beat myself up on why I didn’t get a single pointer. I felt disappointed that despite all my efforts that I have invested in my work, I didn’t get an A1 for Pure Geography and Mathematics.

What’s the point when you never feel satisfied?

There’s this article called ” For The Love Of Money” (http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/opinion/sunday/for-the-love-of-money.html?_r=0) and I can relate to it.

To him, money was his addiction, and to me, results was mine. Results changed me. Greed changed me. Good results to me was nothing, because it was never enough.

I took a big change, I became a cold hearted asshole who didn’t had any sense of respect for anyone. I became boastful , proud, insanely overestimated. I diss anyone and everyone, whether they did better than me or not. I was never please with anything except for an A.

Not only that, I snarled at anyone who did better than me, I detested them, I would focus my attention on them. I dedicated all resources into making sure that I was ahead of the rat pack.

And today, it all came crashing down.

I lost my friends. Everyone hates me.

I’m no longer happy, I have become so cold inside.

The consequences of my addiction had surfaced. My past disrespectfulness had given me a bad reputation. People left me, one by one. Like today, a friend whom I know, had decided to cut all ties with me because I was offensive in my comments.

I climbed like a rocket, but now I’m tumbling back down to the ground at the speed of light.

I went to Ngee Ann Poly to start afresh, but now I see that you can never bury the past for too long.

And with this, I want to say, if you know what’s wrong with yourself, change. It ain’t going to be easy, but hell, you don’t want to walk down the same path as me.

To all the people that I have offended beforehand, It took me a few years to see my mistakes, but I have woken up. I plan to change, but it ain’t going to be easy.

Definitely, I’m sorry. But what has been done, has been done.

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