Riding the Heatwave without breaking a sweat

 

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My final time getting my photo taken in the Klix studio

 

Time passes so fast, especially when you’re doing something you’re passionate about. Just like that, two years of radio went pass me. It’s only been one week since the end and my heart is already missing it so so much.

I remember the time when I auditioned for Radio Heatwave for the first time. I didn’t know what to do and I was plonked straight on air. They rejected me, but I remember clearly that one of the managers told me to try again next semester as he saw the potential in me and all I needed was more time.

 

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This tweet documented my first interaction with Radio Heatwave (Also, what was with my hair and dressing last time?!?)

 

I applied again the next semester and was rejected once again. This time, I didn’t know why. Despite the fact that I was turned down the first two times I applied, I didn’t give up. I decided to keep trying until I graduate or until I got in.

They say that the third time’s the charm and indeed it is.

 

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It was one of the best moments of my life when I saw my name on the list

 

When the news broke out that I managed to get in on my third try, I found it hard to contain my joy, which was especially necessary since I was on the train to school and as they say, the rest is history.

 

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The show poster for my very first radio show – Geek Speak

 

Since then, I hosted four shows – Geek Speak, TGIW and The Wake Up Call with Timo. As with every new show, each of them had their own unique challenges, but they always rewarded me with exciting new opportunities.

With the shows came other countless events such as OOOMY, SOS Unplugged and other external events that I was allowed to host. I even became its music manager for six months.

It was two years of blood, sweat, tears, joy, egg mayonnaise sandwiches from Splash ‘N’ Deck, technical faults, breakdowns and NETIA crashing, and it was all worth it.

Sadly, on 8th February 2017, I went on air for one last time to host my very last show. To say that I will miss this dearly with all my heart is understating my love and passion for radio, DJing, hosting and above all, the family at Radio Heatwave. I would do this again in a heartbeat.

So, for the very last time – you’re listening to the hottest thing on campus, Radio Heatwave.

:’) I am gonna miss you.

Monday, 21 November 2016, 4am.

Monday, 21 November 2016, 4am.

Sitting at my desk, I am left hanging by the afterthoughts of my own existence.

My study light starts tethering on the brink of blowing out, just like how my mind is flirting with the prospect of going insane. Nothing ever makes sense anymore. things that I have initiated have all crashed and burn.

I stay up at night with a body pumped full of drugs and cup of coffee, questioning myself on why I bother trying everyday.

The small utopia of hopes and dreams I have at the back of my head was always isolated from the desolation and grim that roam around in my system. It’s driving force behind me for the past three years. It was the place that I have always gone to find my inner peace, and to find refuge in the storm of bleakness that has dominated my world.

For years, nothing could get across just like how Oil and Water cannot mix with each other, and there was a balance, although it was never balanced most of the time. Then one day, my idea of perfection escaped and ran into the dark world.

As it enters the dark world, it shined through the abyss of darkness. There was hope, there was happiness, there was warmth, or so I thought.

But as the idea travelled further down, it starts losing bits and pieces of itself, until one day it just crashed and was never to be seen again. That opened the floodgates.

That started the collapse of the utopia. 

I started panicking.

They were never meant to mix. 

The utopia had little to no defences against the overwhelming forces of negativity that dominate my life. 

Bit by bit, it slowly eroded. 

I watched in horror as the devil laugh while he gracefully waltz in, picking up everything that I have built in my mind and smash them into two. There was nothing I could do. The damage has been done.

Where was I to find refuge now? All I had left were the ashes of memories that I started to desperately sweep in hopes that they could become whole again. But all they did was fall through the cracks of my fingers.

As I put my hand into the ashes, they sparkle. There was a sense of rebirth, there was a sense of chance.

In nearly every way, 2016 has been a bad year for me. It took everything I had in plan and smashed it on the floor, and my inner demons used that against me.

I am happy that the end is near.

I no longer have hopes for 2017, neither do I have any feelings, plans or emotions.

But maybe one day I will again.

A Rush of Thoughts To The Head

It’s a cool and rainy Wednesday afternoon. It’s cold, but the glass of whisky keeps me warm and sane at the same time.

I enjoy these kinds of situations – sitting in a dark room with my table light on, a glass of whisky and allowing my thoughts to run free and wild.

Currently, my thoughts are pouring in as fast as the rain outside my window is pounding onto the concrete ground and I can’t process it fast enough.

There’s nothing left of me.

I feel as if I have been stripped of everything I ever had and left alone in a cave to fend for myself. Ironically, the cave is not exactly somewhere new to me, rather it is the cave that I should have left long ago.

Being in a void and the abyss of darkness for this long have made me submit myself wholeheartedly to my own insecurities, which allowed them to start the complete destruction of my entire existence.

Now, I’m standing in front of a mirror and staring at myself.

I look deep into my own eyes and try to explore what lays deep within me, but yet I can’t seem to find nor understand anything about me that is worth any value whatsoever.

As I continue to stare deep into my own existence, my mind flashes back to 2013.

2013 – The year of which I was an innocent and young secondary 4 student who would bring his blue sling bag and huge transparent folder with a missing green locker cap everywhere he went.

That was the year where I was so full of hatred, body full of drugs and mind full of toxins. I made a conscious decision to grant full control of my entire existence to drugs and insecurities, just for the sole purpose of charging myself forward to achieving my dream – A place in Ngee Ann’s Mass Communication.

I did it by balancing my time (with the power of my Swatch) and creating strawmen that did not exist at all and used them as my carrots on the premise of “Get in at any costs”

Sometimes we say “I will do it at any cost” and we go ahead with that. But is it worth the “any cost” part, especially when it involves killing yourself on the inside.

I have achieved my goals and have gotten to where I wanted to be, but I have lost myself in the process.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

When I’m asked the question “who are you and describe yourself”, my mind just turns blank.

Nothing comes out of my mouth and I just sit there like a huge fool.

Close friends and friends alike have told me “Timo, you need to love yourself before you can move on”.

I ignored them.

I thought I could be a hero and move on with my life as if nothing happened. I ignored the biggest flaw of my own life, letting it developed while using other flaws as a scapegoat.

It’s been 4 years and I am still stuck here. Until I met her.

To me, she is the perfect girl.

A girl beyond my wildest dream. She gave me an opportunity that no one else ever did and offered me loads of happiness. She meant so much to me that even in the rejection phase of the relationship, I was able to feel inspired and alive.

Usually, it takes a few hours or a few days for me to get over rejection. I just suck it up, maybe complain about it for a few days and then just move it and maybe joke about it casually in the future.

But this is different. This is a feeling that I have never felt before. She was able to use something that I have grown accustomed to and revived me emotionally.

I can now feel things. I tasted happiness for the first time in years.

I believe fully that the only reason why I’m here today is because of God. That’s probably the only reason why I am able to do so many things that I love.

If I were to assign everything a deeper meaning, everything makes a lot of sense. I have gotten rejected from so many things only to discover something better in the end. After all, I come from a Christian family, and I do have Christian values deeply embedded in my roots.

If I were to follow the same belief that I have held for years, then I think she was not here to make me feel happy and complete, but rather to drive and solidify a message that people have been trying to send me – “Learn to love yourself and find self-completion”

But this is not a post about religion, this is a post about finding out who I really am.

And it’s about time I start.

The Final Notification

Today, my calendar sent me a notification which sent me spiralling down memory lane.

It was not so long ago when we planned this and started counting down the days and I still remember it was 29 days and counting. Now, it’s only 2 days away.

Slowly, but surely, you’re fading away. My heart still feels sad, but at least now I know what true happiness feels like.

In the past, I was just a guy who was dead on the inside, allowing my own insecurities to overwhelm my entire existence. But, even in the death of the relationship, your legacy leaves on.

The light of hope may have died, but the whispers of your message still resonate strongly and echoes deep within my existence.

You knew what you wanted for yourself, and I respect you for that. Not many people know what they want, including me.

Maybe you’re right.

Maybe I did inspire you to be like me, a young passionate person who has the entire world in his hand and is working hard to make his dream into reality.

Except that he is currently living the dream that others do desire, but is too foolish to appreciate and understand what’s in front of him.

Till this day, I still wonder what would have happened if it were to work out.

We might be attracted by our very own similarities, but what would have destroyed us is our differences, and to save us trouble, we should just stop.

I know deep down that one day, I will forget this, that eventually you will be out of my life, and I would just remember you as the one whom I let go.

We are so similar that it is uncanny, but the difference is what separate us. We are the same, but because we are from different planets, it might just never work out.

Well, if by any chance you’re reading this, I thank you so much for giving me a chance, and I do hope one day that our paths may cross once again.

But then again, the future is for anyone to guess. But I really hope that meeting you is something possible in the future.

But for now, it’s time for me to get back on my feet and continue the journey to find out who I really am.

Till then, all the best for your future endeavours and cheerio, good friend :’).

*cues “Death of A Cyborg” by Power Glove from the Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon Soundtrack and walks out*

Note: The image is better seen on a mobile device, I do apologise.

Finding my way back

Sometimes in life, you slowly wander through the way of life with nothing in mind, not because you’re bored or anything, but rather because you are lost.

Many of us know what we want to be. We take those desires and turn them into goals, and then figure out the way to get there. If you fail, just try a different way or try it again until you reach there.

But life isn’t that simple.

The truth of the matter is, we know certain people well. We know how they like their coffee, how they react in a specific situation, and how to tell whether they are lying or not. Yet, we are unable to be certain of their deeper innings. Some things haunt us, but yet we refuse to address them.

When we talk to people and ask “What’s wrong”, they offer a point of view. This is what is happening to me now. Something is bugging me, but yet I am unable to put my finger on it.

Maybe I have created a strawman so strong that I have come to an undisputed conclusion that it is real.

Till this day, I have yet to understand myself fully, and whatever that has decided to anchor itself in me has started to cause problems in the way I react to people, situations, and things.

Nowadays, I am an angry man with no control, a rage beyond the measure of anything. I’m not angry with the world, I’m just angry with myself, but I need a way to let it go, and sadly, that exit is through my interactions. I do apologise if I have offended anyone with my rage.

To me, hope is something rare to come by, and even if one piece came by, I will always lose it.

The irony is when one spends too much time worrying about losing something, he will lose it eventually, but yet when one does not care as much, the chances to lose whatever he so cherish is significantly lower.

Of course, one must draw the line between being insecure and being an ignorant asshole as the latter is the one that will eventually cause the item to be lost. (One example will be my previous relationship).

Talking about my previous relationship, I do believe my ex is 100% over it, but yet the repercussions of my own actions still resonates strongly within myself today. I am unable to go back to who I was three to four years ago.

Today, I am a man who has fulfilled most of my dreams and goals that I have set out to. I have DJed for FMS Hop Night, be a Radio DJ for Radio Heatwave and now I’m interning and doing something I like. One may wonder then why do I always complain that life is bad.

The answer is very simple – Like how a rich man can feel unhappy while a poor man can feel happy, it is not the material things that give us happiness, but rather the feelings and interactions that money nor any other material can buy. I will honestly give up everything I have now to find that one person who could finally understand me, but yet till this day, no one is a suitable candidate.

In recent time, I may have found a person so similar that she might just be the one, yet I am making the same mistake as I did the past few times. I am strangling that small bit of hope with my strong grip due to the fear that it might be lost that eventually the person that killed it will be me. I have learnt how to back off and letting it develop on its own. It might be because of my own fear of losing, the sense that something so fragile can be lost so easily scares me so much.

But until then, I shall do everything in my power to keep that hope alive, because it’s the only thing helping me get back on track.

MoneyTeam with a dash of irony

Sometimes I feel that my life is a little ironic.

My closest brothers, aka MoneyTeam, have seen my 100% personality, and know me virtually from inside out.

My second closest, aka NPDJ, knows me relatively well, and knows me fair enough to make a judgement.

The irony is that some people call me the “Hardest Working” person while the MoneyTeam calls me the “laziest man alive”.

I feel a sense of obligation to tell NPDJ that I’m a lazy guy. That the only reason I work hard is I love DJing and that they are only family I have in Ngee Ann.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my NPDJ Crew and will cover their ass, but their feedback doesn’t seem to have the same of creditability as my MoneyTeam.

To me, the MoneyTeam is a bunch of people who will not hesitate to punch me in the face if they need to. They are the people who will drag my ass off the bed and get stuff done.

But, things have changed. I am who I was back then because of the MoneyTeam, but I am who I am now because of NPDJ. Who I will be in the future is anyone’s guess.

To me, the MoneyTeam is breaking up. I have been getting worst, as if I was a dysfunctional mad man who had relapsid.

The crew is not that better off either.

Rong Xian and Kerwyn are slowly being eroded away by their own problems and school work.

Vera and Dhaniah couldn’t give two shits whether the team died or no, considering their delayed entry to the club.

Shaun and Austen derps away all the time, and sometimes you wonder how on earth do they enjoy such a carefree life.

I will not deny that the root of all the problems we face now is me.

I was the man who screwed his 2014 so badly and brought his problems to the table, promising change and turning a new leaf.

I was the man, who anchored myself in the comfort of my brothers and fail to realize that despite being anchored down, the ship is moving and I brought everyone out to the big blue sea of uncertainty without them knowing it.

At the end of the day, I know that both groups will be there to cover me, but yet I feel as if I have not done enough for the team.

I have always failed the expectations of my fellow brothers, and that pains me tremendously.

Just knowing that they have invested so much time and money on me, that they put their faith on me when others won’t and yet I’m a complete flop just makes me wonder sometimes…

Why do people still do it anyway.

And with that, I propose a toast to the MoneyTeam, and pray that one day, the man and the bane of all your problems can finally wake up and smell the coffee and greater times ahead.

A reflection of my own life

I’m about to be 18 years old, yet my life is still a cold place.

My life is an Arctic wasteland, where the winds howl harshly and visitors hardly stay. Those who come either die or thrive, but the latter rarely happens.

Over the course of the last 10 years, my life has started to frozen. The effects of the blue pill started to slowly, but surely, succumb to the overbearing taste of reality, with my own dreams fighting the onset, with futile efforts.

Occasionally, a shining beacon of light travels into the abyss of darkness that is now the nerve centre of my life. It gives me a sense of revitalising hope, that maybe one day I could revert back to the old happy me.

But, the light that enter the sinking abyss, will cease to exist as the coldness was too harsh for it warmth, and its carcass joins the rest of those who have hope to change me, but sadly, failed.

I was able to enjoy the warmth of the light on my face in years, but yet I had taken it for granted. I told myself that the light at the end of tunnel had arrived and that abyss was now lighted and littered with bits of joy.

But, I prematurely ended the biggest warmth that happily graced my life for 1 1/2 years with my very own frozen heart and my very own hands.

As I approach my 18th birthday, my life is warming up. My crew had entered my life and hated me for who I was, but yet they stayed on and is thriving. I have learnt to take care of the people who have taken care of me.

Yet, the nerve centre that controls my dreams and thoughts are still frozen. It’s still stuck in the ice age of isolation and dominated by my cold hearted personality that always seems to be in the defence when I try to make new contact with new people and new hope.

Sometimes, I find the loneliness in this cold and harsh wasteland comforting. Being alone means I have lesser people to disappoint, to upset, to offend. Lesser hearts to break, lesser expectations to fail.

I can never seem to be popular, but it seems that my psychological ecosystem can’t take the load and responsibilities of being popular. I can try to be, but that’s pretentious and it will always backfire on me.

At the end of the day, I get up every morning and tell myself that each day will get better, that the harsh wastelands of my life will one day be thriving, constructed by my favourite memories and cemented by friends who have found the nice side of me.

But till then, when people ask me “Have you have no heart?!”

I will still stare them in the eye and say:
“I used to, but now it’s gone”